Books
Saintlike (Short Novel)
The story follows a 17-year-old girl named Jess and her journey through the end of high school. She’s friendless, gets bullied at school, has a terrible home life, and isn’t the best when it comes to academics. She’s incredibly talented when it comes to her artistic abilities, but everyone completely disregards that. One day, she finally snaps and causes a gruesome accident during her adolescence. She attempts to repress that memory and move on with her life, but later that incident follows her well into her adulthood, where she then has to leave her life of comfort and confront her repressed memories once again in a parallel universe.
Coming Soon.
Butterflies (Poetry Chapbook)
A short intimate chapbook accompanied by a spoken word/musical album revolved around the topic of anxiety, regret, love, and the longing to become a better human being.
Coming Soon.
The story follows a 17-year-old girl named Jess and her journey through the end of high school. She’s friendless, gets bullied at school, has a terrible home life, and isn’t the best when it comes to academics. She’s incredibly talented when it comes to her artistic abilities, but everyone completely disregards that. One day, she finally snaps and causes a gruesome accident during her adolescence. She attempts to repress that memory and move on with her life, but later that incident follows her well into her adulthood, where she then has to leave her life of comfort and confront her repressed memories once again in a parallel universe.
Coming Soon.
Butterflies (Poetry Chapbook)
A short intimate chapbook accompanied by a spoken word/musical album revolved around the topic of anxiety, regret, love, and the longing to become a better human being.
Coming Soon.
Poetry
Good Things
This is a list
of the good things
that I miss.
Or rather,
the things that
I yearn for.
I miss the
hot summer nights
hanging out in
my room
or being out
and about
with friends
or with family
just having a
GOOD TIME
I miss my
childhood home
playing video games
or watching movies
on my PS2
in my old living room
IN SECLUSION
I miss looking forward
to going
to school
to see
someone
whom I was
infatuated with
Thinking to myself
that they felt
THE SAME.
Albeit,
friends are
a saving grace
but even they
let me down
SOMETIMES
I miss feeling joy
and marveling
at things
I used to
have a passion for.
Film,
Music,
Video Games,
Photography,
Drawing,
THE ARTS IN GENERAL.
I miss the old friends
I had
Sometimes I'm glad
They're gone
But I can't help
but feel sad
seeing how they moved on
without me
I miss feeling
like my parents
cared.
All the arguments
and abuse
fog up
the redeeming qualities
you both had.
I miss feeling sense of self-worth.
But MOST IMPORTANTLY, I miss you.
You know who you are.
You broke me in every way
imaginable
but part of me
still yearns for your touch.
This is a list
of the good things
that I miss.
Or rather,
the things that
I yearn for.
I miss the
hot summer nights
hanging out in
my room
or being out
and about
with friends
or with family
just having a
GOOD TIME
I miss my
childhood home
playing video games
or watching movies
on my PS2
in my old living room
IN SECLUSION
I miss looking forward
to going
to school
to see
someone
whom I was
infatuated with
Thinking to myself
that they felt
THE SAME.
Albeit,
friends are
a saving grace
but even they
let me down
SOMETIMES
I miss feeling joy
and marveling
at things
I used to
have a passion for.
Film,
Music,
Video Games,
Photography,
Drawing,
THE ARTS IN GENERAL.
I miss the old friends
I had
Sometimes I'm glad
They're gone
But I can't help
but feel sad
seeing how they moved on
without me
I miss feeling
like my parents
cared.
All the arguments
and abuse
fog up
the redeeming qualities
you both had.
I miss feeling sense of self-worth.
But MOST IMPORTANTLY, I miss you.
You know who you are.
You broke me in every way
imaginable
but part of me
still yearns for your touch.
Prose
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Today is Thursday, October 25th, 2018, and it is currently 10:02 AM. I started off the day in a crisis, as I usually do. I just wish I could sleep forever. The scars on my fingers still burn from shaving the previous night. I absolutely detest having body hair, and prior to showering, I ALMOST ALWAYS trim my body hairs. More on that later, when we get more in depth in my insecurities. I had breakfast, took a painkiller for the pain my braces cause, I brushed my teeth, and left my home at around 7:20 AM to go to school. The whole morning I battled with an inner turmoil that has been affecting me for about 2 weeks or so. One of m best friends stopped talking to me indefinitely, and it has been taking quite a toll on me, not only because I really miss her, but I cannot help but feel like it's my fault. You see, her dad is very similar in nature to my own: old-fashioned, judgmental and just an overall douchebag. Everyday that he picked her up from school, he proceeded to yell at her for the most minuscule of reasons. One day, I happened to be hanging out with her for longer than usual, and she constantly told me that I should leave, because she would be in trouble with her father if seen with a boy. (NOTE: I hadn't come out as trans during this time). This has also been the case other days, and at first I thought it was a scheme for me to go away, but nonetheless I complied those other days...but that was not the case on that day though. Like I said, I clinged for longer than usual, and little did I know, he was right in front of us. We said our goodbyes and she left with her dad, and as I walked away, I noticed that distinct red Chevy SUV (she was always dropped off/picked up to and from school in that car, in case I didn't address that) not moving from that curb for minutes on end. there and then, I knew something was wrong. I texted her later that evening, and I found out all hell broke loose with her father, and I felt so awful. I t was my fault, and she was getting shit for it. I sent her my sincerest apologies and from there, things were just not the same. We began to fade and when I texted her, it only led me to being left on "seen". Those first days, I was not so affected by it. Albeit, I was not happy about it, but I was not as distressed as I am today. Days went on, and the awkward glances in the high school hallways and being left on seen made me feel uneasy. I spoke to her best friend about the situation, but it gave me lackluster results. It even got to the point where her best friend made me feel worse for being in this situation, by saying "Well, she tried to talk to you, but you ignored her", which was absolutely not the case. The final nail in the coffin was when she was in my dreams. She sat alone on some stairs that shared a resemblance with the front of our high school. I sat next to her and hugged her, and she corresponded, which was weird, as she was never used to receiving or giving back affection. I would hug her occasionally when I saw her in school, and she didn't know how to react, saying that she "was not used to getting affection"... I have talked to people about my situation and these common themes kept coming up. "How sure are you that:
- she hates you?
- she is under the impression that you hate her?
- her father prohibited her from speaking to you?"
Friday, October 26, 2018
It's 9 AM. Sorry. I began to procrastinate yesterday, and I ended with a cliffhanger, but I ultimately got my answer: She hates me. After taking my anxiety head-on and going up to her this morning, I got my answer... Fuck. She wouldn't even look at me, much less talk to me. Her best friend spoke to me, but I could tell she felt a sense of obligation since the other didn't want to interact with me. I just stood there like an idiot, hoping my friend would acknowledge me, but nothing occurred. I said my goodbyes, and walked away, crying. I was distraught. Ultimately, I approached another friend this morning (she had prior knowledge of the situation) and she tried to comfort me. I'll admit, it helped a bit, but I felt too caught up in the moment. the fact that the same thing happened between her and her boyfriend didn't help either. This just adds more to my irrational fear of being a parent: how I will treat my kids, or losing more people. I've grown tired, and seemingly, writing here, engaging in art forms or working on my hobbies are my only aid.
It's currently 10:52 AM and I am comfortably numb. I just want to leave this place... Transitioning to different topics, my birthday is in a month from now. Happy birthday to myself! That's also the day I'll release my first song.
March 12, 2019
Dear friend, I had the most amazing dream this morning. I dreamt that I met a very beautiful woman, and she seemed to really fancy me. Everything seemed perfect. From what I remember that occurred in the dream, I felt an overwhelming sense of euphoria. the dopamine levels in my brain were going crazy. I distinctly remember the woman in my dream having long, straight brown hair and pale skin. In one of the dreams, I was video-chatting with her, and in a moment of extreme comfort, I held m hand out in an attempt to reach her, and my hand went through the screen, and I caressed her face. The laptop I was using to video call her then disintegrated into nothingness, and she physically appeared in the room I was in (I was in my parents' old bedroom, weird fact). What I think proceeded this was just us holding each other, and in that moment I felt so strong and so happy. Then I woke up. I did a little research of what it meant to fall in love with someone you didn't recognize in dreams, and turns out that if someone dreams (in this case, me) about falling in love with an unknown person, it refers to my "need for love. It can also be a sign of hesitance, insecurity, or instability in your romantic life. Dreaming of unknown lovers is most of the time a good omen, as it can portend new love at the horizon." Hm.
Saturday, June 1st, 2019
Today is Saturday, June 1st, 2019 as the title suggests, and I´m feeling down. It's difficult to describe my state, but I think it's due to the antidepressants. I can't seem to engage in anything that I used to do without feeling absolutely sickened. I try to listen to a song and it nauseates me by how emotional it is. This feeling began yesterday afternoon at school when I tried to a song from a playlist I Created titled "Bummer Pop", which consists of a lot of moody pop tunes.
Tuesday, June 4th, 2019
Hello once again. I'm writing today to talk about how I feel. After all, that's the whole point of this journal isn't it? Right now I find myself being paranoid as fuck over a brief smell of weed during my 4th period class. I'm currently in my 5th period with my muscles aching from how tense I am. My blurry vision is ever present right now, along with a sensation of fear in the back of my neck that I hope will soon leave me. I also feel slightly nauseous and have a dry-mouth. What's bothering me is that I do not know whether these symptoms are due to anxiety or the contact high that I may or may not have. I'm currently waiting on my mom to show up to school with anti-anxiety drug medicine. I am so cold. Damn this school for not knowing how to control their thermostats. My face won't stop shaking.I can't seem to concentrate or walk without feeling very tired and lightheaded. Fuck anxiety disorder.
Monday, June 10th, 2019
Today has been a pretty mundane day. Apart from little things causing me some distress, my panic has remained in check today. I feel sort of this braindead sensation; I feel dizzy, my vision is blurry, and my body tingles, but it could just be a side effect of the medicine. Since Saturday, I've tried to have my panic attacks subside without the use of pills.
Today is Thursday, October 25th, 2018, and it is currently 10:02 AM. I started off the day in a crisis, as I usually do. I just wish I could sleep forever. The scars on my fingers still burn from shaving the previous night. I absolutely detest having body hair, and prior to showering, I ALMOST ALWAYS trim my body hairs. More on that later, when we get more in depth in my insecurities. I had breakfast, took a painkiller for the pain my braces cause, I brushed my teeth, and left my home at around 7:20 AM to go to school. The whole morning I battled with an inner turmoil that has been affecting me for about 2 weeks or so. One of m best friends stopped talking to me indefinitely, and it has been taking quite a toll on me, not only because I really miss her, but I cannot help but feel like it's my fault. You see, her dad is very similar in nature to my own: old-fashioned, judgmental and just an overall douchebag. Everyday that he picked her up from school, he proceeded to yell at her for the most minuscule of reasons. One day, I happened to be hanging out with her for longer than usual, and she constantly told me that I should leave, because she would be in trouble with her father if seen with a boy. (NOTE: I hadn't come out as trans during this time). This has also been the case other days, and at first I thought it was a scheme for me to go away, but nonetheless I complied those other days...but that was not the case on that day though. Like I said, I clinged for longer than usual, and little did I know, he was right in front of us. We said our goodbyes and she left with her dad, and as I walked away, I noticed that distinct red Chevy SUV (she was always dropped off/picked up to and from school in that car, in case I didn't address that) not moving from that curb for minutes on end. there and then, I knew something was wrong. I texted her later that evening, and I found out all hell broke loose with her father, and I felt so awful. I t was my fault, and she was getting shit for it. I sent her my sincerest apologies and from there, things were just not the same. We began to fade and when I texted her, it only led me to being left on "seen". Those first days, I was not so affected by it. Albeit, I was not happy about it, but I was not as distressed as I am today. Days went on, and the awkward glances in the high school hallways and being left on seen made me feel uneasy. I spoke to her best friend about the situation, but it gave me lackluster results. It even got to the point where her best friend made me feel worse for being in this situation, by saying "Well, she tried to talk to you, but you ignored her", which was absolutely not the case. The final nail in the coffin was when she was in my dreams. She sat alone on some stairs that shared a resemblance with the front of our high school. I sat next to her and hugged her, and she corresponded, which was weird, as she was never used to receiving or giving back affection. I would hug her occasionally when I saw her in school, and she didn't know how to react, saying that she "was not used to getting affection"... I have talked to people about my situation and these common themes kept coming up. "How sure are you that:
- she hates you?
- she is under the impression that you hate her?
- her father prohibited her from speaking to you?"
Friday, October 26, 2018
It's 9 AM. Sorry. I began to procrastinate yesterday, and I ended with a cliffhanger, but I ultimately got my answer: She hates me. After taking my anxiety head-on and going up to her this morning, I got my answer... Fuck. She wouldn't even look at me, much less talk to me. Her best friend spoke to me, but I could tell she felt a sense of obligation since the other didn't want to interact with me. I just stood there like an idiot, hoping my friend would acknowledge me, but nothing occurred. I said my goodbyes, and walked away, crying. I was distraught. Ultimately, I approached another friend this morning (she had prior knowledge of the situation) and she tried to comfort me. I'll admit, it helped a bit, but I felt too caught up in the moment. the fact that the same thing happened between her and her boyfriend didn't help either. This just adds more to my irrational fear of being a parent: how I will treat my kids, or losing more people. I've grown tired, and seemingly, writing here, engaging in art forms or working on my hobbies are my only aid.
It's currently 10:52 AM and I am comfortably numb. I just want to leave this place... Transitioning to different topics, my birthday is in a month from now. Happy birthday to myself! That's also the day I'll release my first song.
March 12, 2019
Dear friend, I had the most amazing dream this morning. I dreamt that I met a very beautiful woman, and she seemed to really fancy me. Everything seemed perfect. From what I remember that occurred in the dream, I felt an overwhelming sense of euphoria. the dopamine levels in my brain were going crazy. I distinctly remember the woman in my dream having long, straight brown hair and pale skin. In one of the dreams, I was video-chatting with her, and in a moment of extreme comfort, I held m hand out in an attempt to reach her, and my hand went through the screen, and I caressed her face. The laptop I was using to video call her then disintegrated into nothingness, and she physically appeared in the room I was in (I was in my parents' old bedroom, weird fact). What I think proceeded this was just us holding each other, and in that moment I felt so strong and so happy. Then I woke up. I did a little research of what it meant to fall in love with someone you didn't recognize in dreams, and turns out that if someone dreams (in this case, me) about falling in love with an unknown person, it refers to my "need for love. It can also be a sign of hesitance, insecurity, or instability in your romantic life. Dreaming of unknown lovers is most of the time a good omen, as it can portend new love at the horizon." Hm.
Saturday, June 1st, 2019
Today is Saturday, June 1st, 2019 as the title suggests, and I´m feeling down. It's difficult to describe my state, but I think it's due to the antidepressants. I can't seem to engage in anything that I used to do without feeling absolutely sickened. I try to listen to a song and it nauseates me by how emotional it is. This feeling began yesterday afternoon at school when I tried to a song from a playlist I Created titled "Bummer Pop", which consists of a lot of moody pop tunes.
Tuesday, June 4th, 2019
Hello once again. I'm writing today to talk about how I feel. After all, that's the whole point of this journal isn't it? Right now I find myself being paranoid as fuck over a brief smell of weed during my 4th period class. I'm currently in my 5th period with my muscles aching from how tense I am. My blurry vision is ever present right now, along with a sensation of fear in the back of my neck that I hope will soon leave me. I also feel slightly nauseous and have a dry-mouth. What's bothering me is that I do not know whether these symptoms are due to anxiety or the contact high that I may or may not have. I'm currently waiting on my mom to show up to school with anti-anxiety drug medicine. I am so cold. Damn this school for not knowing how to control their thermostats. My face won't stop shaking.I can't seem to concentrate or walk without feeling very tired and lightheaded. Fuck anxiety disorder.
Monday, June 10th, 2019
Today has been a pretty mundane day. Apart from little things causing me some distress, my panic has remained in check today. I feel sort of this braindead sensation; I feel dizzy, my vision is blurry, and my body tingles, but it could just be a side effect of the medicine. Since Saturday, I've tried to have my panic attacks subside without the use of pills.
© 2024 Fond Memory Vacation Productions and Unknown Figure Distribution. Some to All Rights Reserved.